Volume 2

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Loony Client Jokes

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

It was so cold last winter.
How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet
The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A Cadillac seats six
Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first??
Housain, Business before pleasure
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
Lipstick
What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life-support system.
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
Both have hearts like stones.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What to Laywers and sperm have in common?
They come by the thousands but only one works.
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
1) The vulture eventually lets go.
2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
What do you call 50000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
  1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non- negotiable.
  2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
  3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

 

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